When money is no object....
by Joni Hullinghorst, Contributing Writer

Obviously you can’t afford to shop at Tiffany’s. Or can you? After all, ’tis the season of wishes. So for a little wishful thinking, here’s an online holiday shopping excursion through the high end inventory of some stores that most of us will never in this lifetime be able to afford.

Neiman Marcus

Oh, goodie, a store where you can get an online personal shopper. Or, if you want to shop yourself, they have a drop-down menu of gift ideas thoughtfully arranged by recipient (him, her, children, friends and family, or weddings) or by price (under $50, under $100, under $300, or indulge them!). Let’s guess which one we’re going to visit.

The “them” in “indulge them” breaks down into his, hers and everyone’s. Under “everyone’s” is the perfect gift for Dad: the Neiman Marcus wine cellar. It holds 42 bottles of wine (it doesn’t say how many six-packs of Bud) and is a bargain at only $599. Of course, shipping is an additional $80. Still, there’s plenty of wish money left to buy Dad a matching Neiman Marcus corkscrew for $49.95.

“Everyone’s” has a gift for — well — everyone. Like crystal vases (Baccarat Medium Wave $595), a seascooter (little gizmo that scoots you along underwater on your Caribbean vacation, only $399), crystal vases (Baccarat Mille Nuits $1795), Neiman Marcus motor scooter ($499), more crystal vases (Baccarat ZinZin $900), six Faberges crystal goblets ($425 for six), a watch winder (only $360 — less than $1 a day), a Hummer mountain bike for $795, and a Neiman Marcus Harley-Davidson rocking bear ($350, but the bear is bearing candy).

Where else can you buy an orange glazed turkey for $85 or a peppered ham for $117? Go ahead and buy that tin of popcorn at K-Mart, but you’ll need to go to Neiman Marcus for that $150 chocolate-filled Santa’s sleigh.

The man in your life will never have to leave his armchair to sort through half a dozen remotes if you buy him a universal remote. It can also be voice activated, with the capacity to recognize up to 50 different voice commands from different users. Such a bargain at $89.95. Just plop it down right there on top of the $149.95 mini-fridge next to his chair.

Here’s one for dog lovers: A state-of-the-art BowLingual Dog Translator. Yes, folks, you can now figure out what Fido is saying. Sort of. It’s the latest in technology based on research by Japan Acoustics Laboratory, who have painstakingly programmed over 5,000 voiceprints from over 80 different breeds. Simply clip the microphone unit to Fido’s collar. Whenever Fido barks, your hand-held unit analyzes the sound based on breed and sex, then displays — here’s the catch — the possible meaning. It comes in red or navy, which isn’t just about color coordinating; the two colors work on different frequencies, so those with two dogs can buy one for each. Good news: the $119 price tag includes the five AAA batteries needed to run it.

Saks:

Speaking of Fido, Saks has a section with gift ideas just for pets or pet lovers. Pet carriers range from $225 to $850. For the more fiscally restrained, a canine starter kit (collar, leash, and go-fetch balls) is only $45, or you can buy a raincoat for dear little Pugsy for $125. For the truly chic canine in the family, how about a doggie pearl necklace (really) for  $95 or a doggie barrette (with pink rhinestones) for only $18?

Then there’s a 3.3 ounce spray called Oh My Dog. The catalog doesn’t describe exactly what it is or who it’s for, but presumably it’s not perfume or it would have been called Eau My Dog. Sorry, cat lovers, but apparently you’re out of luck shopping for your pet this season.

Let’s get serious here: We’re almost than halfway through this shopping excursion and we haven’t bought anything yet for the boss. What could be easier than a briefcase? Saks has a Longchamp Single Gusset Briefcase for $535, or, if you really like your boss (or want a promotion), go for the Salvatore Ferragamo Briefcase at $815.

Mom might like the Judith Leiber Floral Bead Minaudiere purse. We’re talking handmade here, with a bright floral beaded pattern. It may be small (6- -by-3”) but its $3,995 price packs a wallop. Mom can wear it with her Adrienne Landau Fox Trim Velvet Cape, marked down to $2096.50 from $2995.

FAO Schwartz

It’s easy to figure what’s hot in the kids’ market by whatever weird stuff they’re wearing these days and whichever commercials are playing a thousand times an hour. Sure, you can buy ordinary stuff at FAO Schwartz, but why would you want to?

First let’s get the practical shopping out of the way. Shopping for the FAO baby through their boutique link is really shopping for Mom: car seats from $199.95 to $259.95, strollers for under a hundred bucks (at least before shipping), and safety seats for shopping carts, a true bargain at only $21.95.

Want a stroller to match your car? Buy the Jeep Grand Cherokee, only $149.95, plus $9.95 additional shipping for oversized items. (You’re on your own for the two AA size batteries required to activate the electronic toy steering wheel.)

Wait! Here’s the perfect New Hampshire gift: an All Terrain baby stroller. Made by Land Rover (who ought to know four-wheeling if anyone does), FAO promises that this ATBS will withstand the most rugged terrain. Even in driving rain — should you for any reason want to take your baby out in driving rain —  this little gem guarantees it will keep FAO Baby safe, warm and comfortable. Good news made better: It’s on sale! Originally priced at $750, it’s yours for a mere $445.97.

Is there anything, you ask, for the actual FAO baby? Well, there’s FAO’s Ultimate Playmat and Gym for $105. Or FAO Baby can invite a few guests over to play in the FAO Funhouse, only $229. Okay, so they also sell plenty of plush toys at reasonable prices ($18-$22 in the boutique), but plush toys you can buy anywhere. We want FAO exclusives!

Talk about exclusive: Those who like designer labels can commemorate the train enthusiasts in their lives with FAO’s 140th Anniversary Boxcar featuring FAO’s 140th anniversary logo. It’s manufactured by Marklin, who coincidentally also happens to be celebrating 140 years in business, a true double designer whammy. But better hurry: this is a limited edition in which only (guess how many) pieces will be produced. The best news is, it doesn’t cost $140, just a mere $75.

Train enthusiasts are just as likely to be grown ups, so here’s something for a real boy: FAO’s Boys Perfect Grade Exclusive Gundam for $170. For the childless or the merely ignorant, a Gundam is some kind of roboty-looking thingy. It’s 12 inches tall, or will be after you assemble him (no tools, paints or glue required). Once he’s up and running, the boy in your life can enjoy Gundam’s “hydraulic joints, exciting lights and sounds.” Whoopee.

Younger boys might enjoy FAO’s exclusive (and apparently leftover) 2002 G.I. Joe Air Force and Marine cadets, looking pretty spiffy in their authentic reproductions of full dress uniforms. Again, this is a limited edition item of just 5000 pairs, and such a bargain at only $89.95.

What could be better suited to the little girl in your life than a Barbie? The problem is, you have to choose between so many. The Barbie and James Bond gift set at $80 celebrates another anniversary, this time the 40th anniversary of James Bond. Barbie comes with a toy cell phone strapped to her upper thigh and wearing an appropriately Bond-girlish gown by Academy Award-winning designer Lindy Hemming. Ken — I mean James — is naturally wearing a tux, which is an authentic recreation of the Brioni tux, should you care.

Bond Barbie may be dressed to kill, but Marie Antoinette Barbie is dressed to die in a blue gown and matching bodice dripping with gold lace, fringe and tassels. Under the dress are full-length pantaloons, in her hand is a pair of porcelain roses, and atop the head that won’t be there much longer is a hat topped with feathers. It’s impossible not to wonder how many Marie Antoinette Barbies FAO will sell at $250, or if it comes with its own guillotine.

Need something to put all those toys in? FAO has taken a page from Louis Vuitton and scribbled its name all over everything from a CD case at $13.98 to a $650 trunk, fortuitously marked down to a mere $455.98. Love those FAO bargains!

Tiffany’s

Bring on the baubles! Let’s skip over all the practical stuff and go right to the “Simply Spectacular” link. Why settle for Jean Schlumberger’s $7,700 flame clip earrings when you can have her spray clip for $91,500? And how about that diamond tiara for $65,000?

Wait! Here we go: three strands of emerald beads with a diamond clasp for $650,000. Are you listening, Santa?

Tiffany’s is a good place to stock up on those generic gifts, like when that co-worker you hate surprises you with a gift that you know is only being given to make you feel bad for not having a gift to give in return. Don’t be caught off guard, strike back with a Tiffany Yule ornament ($65-75), porcelain holiday gift box ($85), or a nice festive platter ($165). Oh heck, they’re not worth it. Just stock up on Tiffany’s $25 yuletide earthenware coffee mugs.

For him, a watch makes a nice, safe gift. Specifically this watch: a Large Tiffany Mark Regulator. It has a self-winding, mechanical movement and is decked out in 18K  gold on a farmed alligator strap. Under the premise that if one is good, three is better, it also has three — count ’em — three dials. That’s one big one for the minute hand and two baby dials for hours and seconds. And it’s only $6,250! (Perhaps it’s cheaper if you give up one of the dials.)

Tiffany’s also has a huge selection of cuff links, but when was the last time you saw a man wearing cuff links in New Hampshire? You man is more likely to want to take the $150, sterling silver jackknife on his next flyfishing expedition.

From a purely practical standpoint, the guy who is going to pay for all this could probably use a Tiffany Coin Edge money clip in 18K gold for $1,200. Even better, a Coin Edge, sterling silver ballpoint so that he can write out the check to pay off his American Express Platinum card, a real bargain at $185. Or if he’s strapped when the bill arrives, he can slit his throat for $135 with Tiffany’s sterling silver razor with a bamboo-pattern handle. For a happier ending, he can ride off into the sunset in a car driven by a key attached to a $75 sterling silver key ring with tag ($8 per initial), designed by Paloma Picasso.

The holidays are a good time to start thinking about June weddings. Tiffany engagement rings start at $970 and spiral quickly upward. For example, a Lucida setting starts at $1,560. Add a bezel-set and you’re up to $3,890, before you’ve even selected a diamond. Tiffany warns that their high standards set pricing parameters for a one-carat diamond between $8,800 and $33,200, mere peanuts considering that Tiffany’s engagement rings don’t reach their top price until $1,300,000.

Hey! Grab that man’s car keys!